The TITANs
by Jane Dodo
Summary: Under most unfortunate circumstances, Cadet Thomas Wagner learns of the origin of the Titans. Rated T because it is Attack on Titan after all. This is my first fan fiction. Constructive criticism is welcome.
1. Chapter 1

"Whoever kills the most Titans wins, alright?" Thomas called, smiling at his squad. Everyone grinned shakily back, but he knew they were all thinking the same thing, dreading the same fate. _This isn't a game. In an hour, 30 minutes, 10 minutes, we could be dead. _Thomas's stomach knotted and unknotted itself uneasily as they waited for the go ahead. Nobody said anything else. Only the whisper of the breeze could be heard, and despite the thunderous vibrations, it seemed almost peaceful and home wasn't too far away…

"That's the go ahead!" Eren called back.

Woken from his reverie, Thomas collected his courage and gave his gear a swift final check before shooting after the rest of Squad 34 over the rooftops of Trost.

Thomas was utterly shocked by what he saw. All of his life, his own fear and imagination had constructed nightmarish images of the Titans for him. But the lumbering monstrosities before him in no way compared to the fantastical shadowy silhouettes of his childhood nightmares. How could he be so naïve? And how could there be so many of them? Chancing glimpses at his companions, he surmised that they too did not expect the situation to be so dire.

"Get it together." He told himself harshly. "Just focu-"

"Abnormal!" He heard someone cry, their voice distorted with panic.

Thomas quickly looked around, fighting to remain at least somewhat calm. Before he knew what happening….

CRASH!

He heard someone scream his name, but why? His head was cloudy and he felt hot, too hot... He could only hoarsely whisper, "Please, help me…" The Titan's teeth closed before him like yellowed gates, taking everything he knew with them. Outside, his friends watched grief stricken as the Titan tipped back its enormous head and swallowed.

"Say wheeeeee!" A voice that sounded vaguely familiar called cheerily to him. Thomas tried to pinpoint the source of the voice, but it seemed to emanate from every point in the Titan's mouth.

"What- AHHH!" Thomas had come to the opening of the throat where to his astonishment he had come upon a red slide. He slid down screaming.

"Not ahhhhh, wheeeeee!" The voice reprimanded. "Seriously, kids these days. No sense of fun. I mean, take my son for instance..."

Thomas twisted around and around, continuing to scream until he was ejected from the slide and deposited on a large orange poof. He tried to get up, but the poof began to suck him further down the more he struggled. At last, he managed to kick it away and he scrambled to his feet.

"Oh, looks like we got a live one guys!" a voice called from behind him. He turned around quickly and saw to his utter astonishment…

"Dr. Jaeger?!"

Sure enough, there sat Grisha Jaeger at a small console, gripping a joystick, donning a colorful buttoned shirt, complete with shorts and sandals. He appeared he was writing on a card that read, "Greetings from Hawaii, SUCKER!"

"Love, your adoring, dedicated father…Why, hey there Theodore! Nice of you to drop in! Haha, thought you were a goner did you? Interesting, that tends to be the standard reaction when people are eaten." He scribbled something down in a journal. "Hey, did you like the slide? It's a new feature on the latest models."

Thomas blinked, ignoring the last question. "Uh, it's Thomas. And, yeah, I did. What are you doing inside a Titan?! What is this place?"

"Beautiful, aren't they? I designed them myself. They're animatronic; at least this one is, with some biological components of course. Yep, just shift this like so…" Dr. Jaeger clutched the joystick, shifted it right, and jammed at a few buttons on the console.

Thomas felt a jerk below him. The Titan had obviously begun to move. Dr. Jaeger gestured him over almost manically. Thomas numbly obeyed.

"Look right out here!" Dr. Jaeger pointed to a small screen on the console. Again, Thomas obeyed. Impossibly, the screen conveyed what was obviously the exterior of the Titan. It was clearly Trost District.

"How did you-"

Dr. Jaeger cut Thomas off. "Look!" He punched a button and the scene of the Titan onslaught outside enlarged, until Thomas could clearly see his horror stricken squad. He felt his stomach sink. He wished he could let them know he was okay.

"AHAHAHA! Look at him! Just hanging there like a monkey!" Thomas jumped. Dr. Jaeger was guffawing loudly, clutching at his sides desperately. "L-look at his FACE!" Thomas followed to where Dr. Jaeger's finger was pointing and he saw Eren, hanging from a rooftop, a horrified expression across his face.

"Your son, Dr. Jaeger? What is so funny?"

The older man ignored him. "Oh, look! Now he's blindly rushing into battle! The idiot." He giggled hysterically.

"Sir, that's your son! We should do something! Aren't you the slightest bit worried?!"

Dr. Jaeger yawned. "Nah, he'll be fine. I think. Any who, where were we? Ah, yes. I was going to tell you all about the T.I.T.A.N.s."


	2. Chapter 2

"Sit right here." Dr. Jaeger instructed, sitting Thomas down in front of his projector. "Wait just a mo. Better set this thing in 'capture and devour' mode so nobody gets suspicious. Maybe we'll have more company." He beamed at Thomas, who only stared speechlessly back at him. "Although, sometimes it does malfunction. Doesn't swallow people whole like you. You don't know how many legs I've gotten coming down that slide. Still have a bit of twitch in them. Even got my wife's upper half once. I can tell you she was NOT pleased. 'It's not funny Grisha!'" Dr. Jaeger guffawed loudly at his own joke.

"That's sick." Thomas managed at last.

"IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, BOY!" Dr. Jaeger screamed in Thomas's face, grabbing him by the shoulders. Thomas went white immediately. He smiled at Thomas, scratching his mustache. "You'll see in due course." He patted Thomas's head fondly. "Whoo-hoo, you sure have a soft, bouncy, head-o-hair, don't you Theodore?" He smiled again, but somehow Thomas was not at all reassured.

Dr. Jaeger hardly seemed to notice and continued setting up the presentation behind Thomas, careful not to let him see his laptop and other paraphernalia. He didn't want to explain the whole technology thing to this agrarian peasant fellow.

"Ah, yes. Here we are. Now, where did I put the clicker… Ah, poop. Must have lost it again. Sukasa! I have need of you!"

"Sukasa?" Thomas was beginning to feel even more bewildered.

"Ah, yes. You'll learn soon enough. Ah! There she is!"

Thomas turned to see a sullen girl of average height ascended a stairwell he had neglected to notice. She had long dull black hair that fell into her face and she looked like she could not be bothered to push it away. She looked vaguely familiar in some respects, but Thomas could not place where he had seen her before.

Grisha took her by the shoulders and steered her over towards Thomas. "Theodore, Sukasa. Sukasa, Theodore."

"Sup." She said apathetically, her cloudy grey eyes barely meeting his.

"Uh, nice to meet you." Thomas replied.

"So, what did you need me for?" Sukasa turned to Grisha. "I'm meeting Aaron in an hour. I can't be late."

_Eren? _Thomas thought, his confusion continuing to mount further.

"It won't take that long. I just need your help with my presentation. Do the clicking pretty please."

Sukasa rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She took her place behind Thomas.

Dr. Jaeger cleared his throat. "Right, we're ready to rumble! Hit the first slide."

Thomas heard a _click_ and the screen in front of him flooded with the words, "The Greatest Child Psychology Study EVA! By Dr. Grisha Jaeger. Thomas heard another _click _and the screen changed.

"Righto, to begin with let us go back 16 years ago, to when I was a lowly child psychology major going for his doctorate. New wife, new twin sons, I had so much I wanted to do for them."

"How sweet." He heard Sukasa mutter sardonically behind him.

Dr. Jaeger didn't appear to have heard her. "I truly wanted to wow the committee, go to where no child psychologist had gone before. Long story short, I decided to see how a child's development would be affected by being raised in a world with man-eating giants."

"What?!" Thomas spluttered, utterly taken aback.

"Save all questions or comments for later please!" Grisha sang. "Now, I had twin sons, Aaron and Eren. I realized they would be the perfect test subjects. Telling my wife Carla that Eren had been killed in a tragic rhino incident at the zoo, I sent him off to live in her sister Kalura's care in the new world I had created. Naturally, I took Karlura on as a second wife." He said saucily, twirling the end of his moustache around his finger.

"Creep." He heard Sukasa mutter again.

"The Titanic Animatronic Nudes, or T.I.T.A.N.s were the result of a failed government defense project. The poor things were simply left to roam Greenland. They're ectothermic, so they were essentially paralyzed. The walls were a cinch to acquire as well. They were another Disneyworld in the making, but fortunately enough, it lost funding. To keep those away who may criticize my experiment for being unethical, I advertised that it unsafe to traverse because of recent radioactive fallout in the area. Anyone who invaded our airspace was shot down and its passengers were fed to the Titans. Precautions aside, I'm surprised no one has noticed by now." Dr. Jaeger shrugged and grinned. "Oh well. Any questions Theodore?"

Thomas sat with his mouth open, trying to digest what he had just heard. All that escaped his lips was yet another squeaky, "What?!"

**Author's Note:**

**Thank you for reading! I've never written humorously before, so I am well aware that it is perhaps lacking in comedic value. I'm aware this is completely stupid as well, so please keep that in mind if there are any holes in the story I have neglected to notice. I love Thomas. He is one of the more inherently "good" characters in the show… until he is eaten. Poor Thomas. You have not been forgotten. **


End file.
